Excuse me while I bitch… (#2)

October 16, 2018 9 Comments

Category: IVF Journey, Motherhood
Tags: IVF, Infertility, MS, multiple sclerosis

I don’t believe negativity, complaining or feeling sorry for yourself gets you very far. It’s the antithesis of how I choose to live my life and tackle the challenges I face; BUT, I am human – and this is really hard – so forgive me for a second while I bitch.

(If you missed my previous posts, you can read them here and here)

Infertility sucks. It really, really sucks. It sucks so much that sometimes I cry randomly, overreact for no reason, or simply don’t feel like doing a damn thing (very out of character for me). But it’s all part of the process, I hear. Or perhaps, the hormones taking effect? Probably a combination of both.

Honestly, at times, I feel angry that I have one more thing to manage, another problem to tackle, and can’t help but want to scream from the rooftop, “isn’t having an incurable illness enough?!” Since I’m continuing with my venting theme, I feel like I have played my hand with MS to the best of my ability, I’ve tried to make a negative into something positive and to now have infertility problems as a result of the disease, is just hard for me to digest.

But what’s perhaps the most difficult for me to swallow is that I didn’t know that MS could’ve affected my fertility – that I could’ve or should’ve been trying sooner. That I could’ve had my younger – healthier – eggs frozen ages ago and possibly avoided this. Perhaps I would’ve done things differently if knowing this sooner.

I know I cannot go back into the past and “coulda, woulda, shoulda”s won’t do me any good but it may help others to hear this. That’s why I’m writing these blogs. Not to scare you – but to inform you of my experience and frustrations about something I wish someone would’ve told me or I would’ve asked about sooner. I’m certainly not a medical professional and am not claiming to be, but I am working with highly credible doctors in both the fertility and neurology arena that I trust wholeheartedly. Their opinions, in combination with my own testing and the outcome of my IVF treatment, validate their theory and diagnosis, which is why I am spreading this message.

As I’m writing this I realize wholeheartedly that people are dealing with much worse and my intent is not to make comparisons, it’s simply to point out that this process is hard. MS is hard. Life, in general, can be hard. And you’re not weak, or even venting, for telling it like it is. These are facts. If I’ve realized anything from this it’s that we are all going through something. It may not be fertility or MS but it could be grief, depression, relationship issues, other medical diagnoses – whatever.

And it’s okay to say it sucks.

It’s okay to say it’s not fair.

But I’m realizing that it’s all a part of life. We need to rise above it – at our own pace or in our own way – to get to a place of acceptance and peace. Being angry or sad is crippling if kept inside and not dealt with.

I, like many of you, need to figure out a healthy way to move forward with my goal without the negative emotions that are taking over. I need to come to grips with this challenge I am facing, and let go of the anger and disappointment I feel. I must tackle this logically and visualize the end goal – not what’s getting in my way. Easier said than done right?

Many people would say to me that I have Chloe and that alone should make me happy, but that sets us all back and reminds me that some people just don’t get it. Yes, having her is obviously the best thing in my world and I’m extremely lucky for that but that doesn’t negate or replace my current feelings or take away my desire for more children. They are separate. That’s like saying you have one great parent when we all deserve or seek two. Gratitude for one is exponential but you can still long for more, without the stigma of greed.

So, I realize I need to get into a different mindset, I need to shift gears. This is a long road and if what we’ve already experienced over the last 6 months is any indication, it’s only getting worse. It’s a long, drawn out process and I need to figure out how to handle it – not only for myself but for my family.

And I know I will, I just need time.

Due to the sensitivity of the topic, these blogs are not being posted in real-time. However, I wanted to share this experience and my continued journey with MS for others who may be struggling or are in a similar position. This problem is relatable for many and something that needs to be vocalized. I know how helpful it can be to learn and hear from others.